New articles on main site

See the new site -

Women and Talent

Jessica Valenti on the romantic industrial complex

"Gifted children and adults often try to repress the real needs of the Self in order to maintain connections with others. They feel they must choose between loneliness and the negation of the Self."

Linda Kreger Silverman, Ph.D., head of the Gifted Development Center, referencing Deirdre Lovecky's article Creative connections: Perspectives on female giftedness.

So many commercial interests, so much of mass media and entertainment, emphasize relationships - pursuing them, celebrating them, making ourselves fit and competitive enough to have a "good" one.

Especially for young women. Not that a romantic relationship isn't a good thing - even for us men - but is it the height of fulfillment and a prime path to self-realization for everyone?

[The image is from The Phantom Of The Opera.]

In a recent post by Laura Barcella of AlterNet, she interviews author Jessica Valenti:

In "Full Frontal Feminism," you write about how the "romance industry" keeps women distracted from larger issues by teaching them to obsess about their love lives. How destructive is this "industry," and how can women fight the obsession?

Jessica Valenti: I'm glad you brought that up. Samhita [of Feministing] calls it the romantic industrial complex ... I feel like it's destructive to both men and women, because it reinforces these ill gender roles that position women as only caring about finding a partner as their form of personal fulfillment.

But it also positions men as the caretakers, as only interested in sex and beer. The whole thing is so ridiculous and limiting for people. It's damaging all around, but to women, specifically, it's insane.

When I think about the amount of time, the number of things I could have done if I hadn't been obsessing about some boy ...

From Full Frontal Feminism, By Laura Barcella, AlterNet. Posted April 24, 2007.

Jessica Valenti is author of Full Frontal Feminism: A Young Woman's Guide to Why Feminism Matters, and Executive Editor of feministing.com.

Laura Barcella's writing has appeared in the anthology "BITCHfest: Ten Years of Cultural Criticism from the Pages of Bitch Magazine."

~ ~

Some additional perspectives on relationships:

In her article "Internal barriers, personal issues, and decisions faced by gifted and talented females," Sally M. Reis, Ph.D. notes, "Many talented and gifted girls and women face a difficult, almost unsolvable, dilemma: How to put their own talents first when their entire life had been based upon the importance of relationships and the tacit belief that women always put others first."

In my earlier post Relationships and being authentically yourself, I quote Hilary Swank about being single again [after divorcing]: who said she felt "the happiest I've ever been.. not because I'm getting a divorce, because I'm living in truth now... I really want to get to know me. I’ve never really had that time; I went from living with my mom to living with Chad."

And Salma Hayek commented about the danger of losing yourself in a relationship: “We always think that you have to stand by your man, but women who do that usually end up sacrificing everything about themselves. Frida Kahlo stood by her man all the way, but she never stopped being who she was." [From the page Relationships.]

A related aspect is the "beauty industrial complex" and its darker aspects.

Actor Evangeline Lilly of "Lost" admits, “I spent many nights crying myself to sleep wishing I was ugly because of the way men leered and disrespected me, because they assumed things about my mental capacity or my physical willingness based on the way I look." [From my article The Dark Side of Beauty.]

In the mid-1980s, Jane Fonda admits, she experienced a sort of midlife crisis, with her creativity flagging and her marriage to Tom Hayden failing: "Instead off dealing with my crisis in a real way, I got breast implants." In her memoir "My Life So Far" she writes, "I think it is when people have lost touch with their spirit, their life force, that they become most vulnerable to consumer culture and the toxic drive for perfection."

[The image is from the book Face Forward by Kevyn Aucoin, from the page Body image 2]
~~

Courtney Martin on Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters

"Nine million girls and women in this country -- of all different classes and cultural backgrounds -- have diagnosable eating disorders and countless others obsess over food and fitness. Panic disorders are twice as likely for females. About 75% of autoimmune illnesses occur in women.

"These are serious health concerns in large part caused by a society that systematically socializes women to take the weight of the world on their shoulders and try to look graceful while doing it.

"When I was researching and interviewing for my book -- Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters: The Frightening New Normalcy of Hating Your Body -- I couldn't believe how much pressure girls and women put themselves under.

"Whether it was the Armenian-American girl in the course I teach at Hunter who felt completely shameful that she'd gained weight in college despite the fact that she was the first in her family to go, or my beautiful younger cousin from a tiny town in Colorado who spent much of college feeling on the edge of an eating disorder (as did I), women are just flat out deteriorating as a result of their own determination to be everything to all people all the time.

"It's not just about Ivy League admittance or extracurriculars. It is about a nation of women buying in to the idea that their wellbeing is not as important as achievement and beauty."

Courtney Martin - in her AlterNet post The Un-Pretty Perfect Girl

Related Women and Talent posts:
Salma Hayek: "Being short was considered a deformity."
Barbie & "generalized melancholy"

Related Talent Development Resources pages:
body image
self-esteem / self concept

My related article: The Dark Side of Beauty
~~

Jennifer Louden's book on organizing

Certified business coach Molly Gordon, MCC www.mollygordon.com enthuses in her Authentic Promotion® Ezine about The Life Organizer: A Woman's Guide to a Mindful Year:

"The title of my buddy Jennifer Louden's new book doesn't quite capture the richness of this book. That stands to reason, because Jen has broken the life-balance/life-planning/organizing mold, and it's hard to categorize her accomplishment.

"The Life Organizer is more than a guide. It's like a mentor who can read what is written on your heart. And.. The Life Organizer is beautiful to hold and to use. I don't know about you, but beauty sets an entirely different context for planning than a DayRunner.

"The Life Organizer is for you if you feel like you've been trying to fit your life into a shape that doesn't support all that you are."

The Life Organizer is available at Amazon.com - and at Jennifer Louden's site: Comfort Queen

Related Talent Development Resources page: Organizing
~~

Arianna Huffington on overcoming destructive self obsession

Putting our energies into a creative project can help put an end to our obsessions with ourselves.

Actress Rosanna Arquette [photo] confessed to "stressing" about having a "chicken neck" as she approached forty. But the obsession to look perfect -- all the more intense in her profession -- no longer consumed her after she reached out to others and produced a film called Searching for Debra Winger, about balancing motherhood and art.

"It set me on my path to stay positive," she told me, "to connect with other women, my tribe. We have to cut out competition, because we are all on the same path of fearlessness, to be truly who we are, and this is our birthright!

"It's time we support and love each other in what we want to do in life so we can look at each other and know we are safe. Let's celebrate each other's individuality, blessings -- and cellulite."

From article: The Price Isn't Right - by Arianna Huffington
~~